


Leaving Hell

by MenadeDanzante



Category: North and South (UK TV), North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell, North and South - Elizabeth Gaskell | UK TV
Genre: Episode 4, F/M, Goodbyes, In which Margaret looks back, Introspection, Loss, Margaret POV, Melancholy, Mutual Pining, Pain, Pining, Regret, Romantic Angst, Romantic Gestures, Sentimental, Snow, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:28:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26026477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MenadeDanzante/pseuds/MenadeDanzante
Summary: [What if? set during 1x04]«So you are going. And never come back»You realise the truth behind those words as soon as the coach door gets shut, casting out both Marlborough Mills and the snow, so far away now to be even touched.You are going and not coming back to Milton.
Relationships: Margaret Hale/John Thornton
Comments: 7
Kudos: 17





	Leaving Hell

**Leaving Hell**

  


  


  


_«So you_ are _going. And never come back»_

You realise the truth behind those words as soon as the coach door gets shut, casting out both Marlborough Mills and the snow, so far away now to be even touched.

You _are_ going and _not_ coming back to Milton.

  


_(Look back)_

  


You didn't expect this. You didn't expect the void you're tasting and that you never wanted to experience. It's not just your father's loss that makes you feel painfully empty. You need air, now, while you meaninglessly stare at the black cloth of the vehicle. You have no reasons left to stay and you don't have time to make one up: the carriage is moving, it is already taking you away and you can't do anything but jolt with it. 

You _can't breathe_.

  


_(Look back at me)_

  


In an instant you stick your head out of the window to look back one last time.

He is there, standing upright at the door. He takes one step forward, towards you, and suddenly you have a lump in your throat, a terrible sense of expectation and fear that you can not ease. You'd want to say something, to declare his name or even just smile, but your lips are tightened in a regretful line you can not loosen.

You realise you'd want to leave at least knowing that you've been forgiven. More than anything, you'd want to be sure that John doesn't think badly of you, of you and Fred, of your rejection. But his eyes talk about sadness and nostalgia of never told tales, of never lived stories. They talk about misery and sorrow, the very same you feel and can not soothe unless you expose _both_ of you to public ridicule and shame. They talk about feelings that can not arise anymore, feelings you dread to offend just by naming them.

They talk about _the two of you_ , something that wasn't and that would never be.

This is enough to annihilate you, but you still find the strength to move your fingers in an ultimate greeting and your eyes sting when John, his gaze fixed on you, waves back a silent goodbye.

And his figure stretched out towards you is the last thing you see before the carriage turns the corner, eventually leaving Marlborough Mills.  


You collapse against your seat and press the handkerchief on your lips to suffocate the pain, the eyes shut not to look at what you're leaving behind you.

  


_Dear Edith,_  
_It is true, I have seen Hell and it is snow-white._  
_But then, I beg of you, tell me: why do I feel that, now that I'm leaving It, that I'm coming back to you, I will not find anything but sorrow?_

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone!  
> Thank you so much for being here! This is the first time I publish something in English: I wanted to try and translate my own work from Italian to English and have fun with it – which I had! I'm a bit nervous, but I hope I've done a good job with the language and, more than anything, I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Thank you!
> 
> Menade Danzante


End file.
